Startup Vulnerability Confessions

Conscience

Early-stage startups are risky business pursuits, and with that risk comes excitement, learning, and personal fulfillment for a chance at radical success. On the other hand, there is never-ending hard work for possibly years to come. There are also the fears, stress, and difficult decisions to be made in the early-stage of start-ups. Co-founders often either rely on the collective decisions after intellectualizing all of the angles, but sometimes all one can do is go sit alone and see what comes out from deep inside personal intuition.

Our early-stage startup was founded out of the grand prize win at a hackathon. We had not known each other prior to meeting at the hackathon, and winning a three month mentorship and free co-working space, along with legal aid for startups where we will pitch to VC’s in October seemed like a dream come true. We are all under the age of 30, excited for this career opportunity and the hand-holding that could be involved with the accelerator program. The only problem was that the program was a few months away, but we wanted to start building this company immediately.

At one of our first meetings, I had to ask the question, “What does a company actually do?” The results of our brainstorming were that co-founders of a company have lots and lots of meetings, make many decisions, build products, and push the company in certain directions. Then, employees are those that help us with the work that he company has created. We began reading some books and materials on start-up successes and blunders. We were excited to get ready before the HACKcellerator program to accomplish as much as we can.

Not everything could work out in practice, in our collective company dreams on attending the program. One team-mate early on we had to make a difficult decision about, in terms of how money and power would be split. We did not feel on equal footing with that and did not take his offer. The second one of the team-mates dropped out due to visa issues. Since then it has been even more of a struggle to get all three of us in sync. Scratch that – I think we are too much in-sync! Other jobs and relationships started to slip away, for the chance at this new lifestyle and commitment.

Our largest challenge may be not with the hacking work itself, but broader as a company in changing our life schedules around to fit what is needed to work together full-time. Mark is “all in”, as he puts it, so he essentially became the CEO. Paul’s only hesitation is dealing with his Canadian visa and whether or not go to back to university, and when. He continues his day job internship at Eventbrite, but dedicates all of his other hours to Peppermint as the CTO. I personally feel like I was struggling the most with work and life balance. During those two weeks of applying to TechCrunch Battlefield I was handling a lawsuit, then two breaks-ins, one to my car and another to my home. I had to work on my sleeping schedule, as well as my emotions, and make some serious decisions as a female co-founder about the future of family, relationships, and lifestyle. There was great difficulty of choosing to leave my day job of children I have watched over for two years, and there is an even larger difficulty of deciding whether my six-year relationship can handle what has come with this company, possible relocation, and the bonds I was building with my co-founders. I did not realize how very much I would have to sacrifice to get onto the same page with the company. But the company business is really my dream come true. I have wanted to learn to code, design, market, sell, and make decisions. I can imagine travelling to hotels and conferences, meetups and competitions, as well as hacking it out anywhere with the laptop lifestyle. I have never been happier and also never been more afraid in my entire life.

The early-stage startup can create major life-crisis for some individuals. I had seen someone else create a startup, and then end up chasing that euphoric feeling of funding and lifestyles, question their entire life-structure, and then only to plummet into a depression. I can completely understand why and relate to the turmoil of emotion. During a start-up, because you are running the show, the business is quite personal. All the positive and negative emotions one was hiding, masks and bullsh*t, and openness, it all bubbles right up to the surface under the pressure. Since it is such a vulnerable pursuit to be working without pay, day and night, for something that could not even be a success, chances are that you will go through a lot in your head alone. That no one can help you with. Not your partners, not your co-founders, and not even your own family. You have to be the leader of your own world. It is completely terrifying and freeing in the same moments. You are forced to sit with yourself in self-honesty and become an island.

To elaborate more on being a female co-founder, sometimes I feel like the rush of the world being in the palm of my hand, a woman standing ten million miles tall who will do anything to empower my co-founders and the business. While at other times, I feel like a scared little girl in a hacker-hoodie, gazing off into the void, and praying that I don’t get thrown under the bus by situations that are out of my control. “Just wait until you get funded, it gets even more stressful,” said a business colleague of mine. “You know you’re entering a man’s world, you have to be really prepared,” yet another had warned me. “Learn to be cold”, said a friend, but in fact I have gotten much warmer. I’m not sure which “warm” or “cold”, or which sides of my female personality to bring out, that would promise me respect and strength in the industries. The best general advice so far, was someone who mentioned, “shorten your work into small and manageable parts.” When I start to feel overwhelmed, I pick one or two things that I can do right now in this moment. All I can do is try out different methods, and to keep learning.

Things I am doing to learn are looking up Stack Overflow code questions, practising on Code School, practising designs with new software, going over mock-ups, and plugging in code where we need it. Video editing, voice recording, research, and setting up business meetings have also been tasks of mine. I would love to get into the marketing and sales side, but we have not gotten to that point yet where my other natural talents can shine through. Ideally I would love to learn to become a great public speaker and lead us in conferences or other important public events, have many meetings with the investors, and continue to crank through more coding. Meetings and decisions do take up most of the time, and I greatly enjoy these. I wish that I could spend 24/7 with my company, and I am getting there. I feel like I have an equal voice, and flexibility for the way that I want to structure my workload. I know that these challenges will grow as the business grows, and know that I will rise to the challenges ahead of us. We are such a diverse trio, that we really do mask each other’s weaknesses and are able to train each other in the departments we are trying to grow in. I am sure we are all vulnerable, but it’s maybe much harder for me to hide it.

Less than two months of work so far, and I am learning the trust-of-self necessary in an early-stage start-up. Nothing is certain so a lot is based upon faith, dedication, and persistent willpower. People may leave, emotions surface, technological issues come up, but there is a rush in filling in all the gaps with the most dedication, passion, and brainstorm engineering possible. You feel like you are really “living” on the edge of something big that you can mold, rather than staying safe in the routine of someone else’s dreams. Early-start up life is not for everyone, but for those who can handle it, it is a magical venture unlike anything else.

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